My mother is 83 years old. She describes herself as an educator, a serious collector, and a Republican. She belongs to the National Society of the Colonial Dames of America, which means she is also a genealogy buff. Her parents were from Texas, and her Scottish ancestors helped settle Virginia. She has 6 children, 12 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren. Oh yeah, and a Bernese Mountain dog. My mother is open and talkative; she generally makes a friend wherever she goes. From the UPS man to the grocery store clerk, my mother is not shy.
My mom celebrating graduation from Colby Sawyer College
For a long time, my mother had made it quite clear about her intentions as she grew older. She was determined to never live in a nursing home, nor in a community for the elderly. She wanted to have her own home with her own antique collection and her own gardens to enjoy.
As a child, I never considered my mother to be overly strong or feisty or opinionated. But as an adult, I have learned my mother is independent. Fiercely independent. I don’t know if this quality blossomed due to age, fear of growing old, or if my child’s memory is inaccurate and perhaps she was this way all along. Whatever the case, I am now in the position of taking care of a woman who has been in denial over her age and her faltering health for too long. What do you do with a woman whose pride actually creates more problems for her?
My mother at her surprise 75th birthday
My mother spent the next 5 days in the hospital. They ran a bunch of tests trying to figure out what precipitated the collapse. The best anyone could come up with is a diuretic called Lasix. They think because it had been a recent change in her meds that it interacted badly with her system.
The other problem they discovered is that she doesn’t get enough oxygen when she’s sleeping. Her O2 levels drop to 80% when the ideal levels should be 90% or above. This likely explains her poor sleeping habits, her disorientation and confusion upon waking, her shortness of breath, and exhaustion during the day.
Being that I have 5 siblings, I feel fortunate that I don’t have to handle this alone. However, it probably doesn’t surprise you that even if I had an army on my side, my mother was going to have things done her way, and that was that.
The consensus in our family was that my mother wouldn’t be safe at home alone without making some changes like a cordless multi-phone system, a shower chair, a walker, temporarily removing her overly exuberant and badly behaved dog, and clearing walking paths throughout her house.
While we were prepping her house, my mother was making quite a name for herself at the hospital. In a matter of 3 days, she had alienated the entire nursing staff, the on-call cardiologist, and a neurologist. They wanted her to go from the hospital to rehab because of her difficulty with walking and blood pressure and breathing issues. She would have none of it. And when I say that I mean that she covered her ears with her hands, saying to the neurologist, “I have stopped listening, so stop talking.” When she demanded her personal PCP, they tried to tell her that because he was not contracted with that hospital he couldn’t treat her there.
That did it. My mother signed out of the hospital against medical advice. Because of this, she was not given discharge papers. We, her children, weren’t convinced she was ready to come home, but she was perfectly capable of making decisions. Even if we refused to drive her home it wouldn’t matter. She’d just call a taxi.
My sister-in-law, my sister, and I banded together and told my mother that we would bring her home and get her settled as long as she promised to wear oxygen at night (equipment provided by a healthcare company) and to let VNA come in to check on her regularly.
My mother considered the deal, and she agreed. Sounds like a reasonable plan, doesn’t it? So, why was I waiting for the next shoe to drop?
* * * * *
Curious about how this all started? Catch up by reading Part I and Part II.
Oh, my goodness, Kate…! To have to care for someone who is overly independent like this can be just as much trouble as doing so for someone who is too dependent.
Not to make it about me, but I can sympathise a bit with where you’re coming from. My grandmother was about 73 when she had her stroke. Here was another woman who’d lived on her own and done things for herself for several decades. Because the EMTs declared her lucid, they couldn’t take her to hospital because she was refusing to go. Ugh.
I’m sure you’re right that a lot of the stress from your mother is because she is in denial. Honestly, who wants to be told they suddenly need to rely on other people, especially because of their age?
I’m hopeful that things have started looking up for your mom. She sounds like a heck of a strong lady, no matter how stubborn that might make her, too, and the world needs ladies like that.
Hey Mayumi, I love hearing from other people that they can sympathize–so thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps make me feel less overwhelmed.
The situation with your grandmother sounds scary, and what is so frustrating in both circumstances is that they are making the problem worse. We respect their independence, but not at the risk of their lives.
We have definitely reached a new stage in life for my mom, and it’s not an easy one. I’m hoping that with some time and patience she will understand that accepting help is actually a sign of strength, not weakness.
Thanks for swinging by.
I just wanted to say I was thinking of you and your mom the other day, how brave and tenacious people are, and how easy it is to forget it’s the *people* who make the holidays special, not what kind or how much food is on the table, or what’s wrapped under a tree.
I hope your Christmas (and New Year’s) was less hectic than your Thanksgiving!
Thanks, Mayumi. The past few weeks weren’t much easier. A lot of tug-o’-war. But we’re still working hard at building that team spirit!
It must be difficult to manage your mother close enough to rest assured that you have made her as safe as possible but what she probably dreads most is not having any choices or say in the matter! She is ‘raging against the dying of the light’ – and even in her darkest hour is a marvellous character in her own family story
Hi Laura,
Absolutely — she loathes that choices have been taken away. Not all choices, obviously, but enough where she is feeling threatened. What do they say about cornered, wounded animals?
Thanks for reading and commenting.
I think I’m safe saying this because my mother doesn’t know about your blog—she’s a lot like yours. Shh, please don’t tell her I said that!
For a while after her CHF hospital stays in 2010/2011, we convinced her to get the local equivalent of Lifeline. That lasted less than a year before she decided who needs that expense when she carries her cell phone with her everywhere? Explanations how the cell phone might slide out-of-reach in a fall fell on deaf ears. (We won’t say how long it took to get a hearing aid!)
Sometimes, all we can do with parents like this is try to convince them to do what they don’t want. Maybe it’s Nature’s way to let them “get back” at us for all the times we wouldn’t listen as children.
But as long as they are mentally competent, there’s little more we can do except let them know we love them and don’t want them suffering or hurting themselves.
Will we be “better” about such things when we’re that age? I hope so, but maybe we’ll turn out to be as stubborn in our own ways. I know there is something about our mom’s generation that built a strong desire to stay in one’s home at any cost. I think every one of my parents’ siblings and friends feels that way.
Maybe the best we can do is keep arguing for common sense and safety while also enjoying the time we have together. I wish I had better words of wisdom, but I hope this makes some sense.
Hang in there and remember to take some time for yourself. You need to stay sane and healthy for you, too.
Hey JM, your secret is safe with me.
I think what you say makes a lot of sense, and as I mentioned in the post, I am thankful that I don’t have to do this alone. I can’t imagine how people do this kind of thing by themselves.
I think you’re right about the generation — growing up during the Depression taught my mother the value of ‘things’ and she knows what it is like to be without basic necessities. Now that she has the means of taking care of herself financially, she will do everything she can to maintain her independence, in all its forms.
Sometimes it also takes the right person to set them straight. I realized long ago that I am not the best person to help her (I’m not putting myself down; I’m simply stating a fact based on our personalities). Luckily, I know exactly who she responds to best.
This is going to be me if I make it to that age . . . or sooner, who can tell. I’ve already told two of my nieces who are like daughters to me, what I expect when I age. They’re likely only to listen to a point and not beyond. They’re both in health care, though. I’m stubborn and independent now, I’m going to imagine with age those qualities will increase dramatically. We won’t even touch on the crabby me! LOL
It’s tough. We’re going to be having a similar issue with my mom who is 82. Currently my brother lives with her about 5 hours north. He’s losing his job — which has been getting steadily worse over the past few years — and told my mom it’s time to sell the house and move down here where my brother can get him a job, and the two bachelors and my mom can share a place. Can you say dig in the heels and refuse? My brother even threatened to drug her coffee and knock her out so when she wakes up she’ll be in the new place.
Stay strong. Find people to lean on, and don’t be afraid to do so. Don’t forget to keep yourself sane and well, whatever it takes. You’re not being insensitive or selfish taking time for yourself when you need it. <>
Thanks, Kathils. Sounds like you’re dealing with some of the same issues. It’s harder when we love our parents so much, isn’t it? We just want them to be safe and happy. It’s a fine line we end up walking.
I love your brother’s idea of drugging the coffee. Now my wheels are turning.
The only problem with drugging the coffee is when the bear . . . um, mom . . . wakes up. Hee, hee. I don’t think I want to be there for that.
Good point. That could be dangerous indeed.
Your mom sounds great! My mom has had to be on oxygen for a few years now and it’s helped her a lot. She’s said that she thinks more clearly and has more energy because of it. She’s been able to stay independent and probably goes out on the town more than I do. The downside is having to bring the tank with her wherever she goes, but they have little portable ones these days that fit in a backpack so that helps. I hope your mom will feel better with it.
Hi Sheila,
My mom is great. I love her, even when I want to throttle her. I love hearing about your mom and that the oxygen is helping her. I didn’t know about the smaller cylinders that fit into backpacks. Ingenious!
Thanks for stopping by.
I can’t imagine how difficult that must be, and I don’t look forward to finding myself in that position with my own mother. I also don’t look forward to when I myself am in that position. I’m about as independent-minded as they come (though I wouldn’t plug my ears to the doctor
), and the thought of having to give up that control is frightening. I’m sure your mother is scared as are all of you. I wish you well.
Hi Carrie,
I think her fear is at the crux of this whole situation, and I’m sure is the reason behind her stubborness. I have to remind myself to be patient and to remain calm and controlled. The wine helps.
Throw in a little chocolate for extra fortitude.
Chocolate is a requirement, for sure!
Another person you should read and get in touch with is Sandra Tyler http://www.awriterweavesatale.com/ She has similar problems with an independent, aging mother (hers is I think 93). I can’t find again the appropriate posts on her blog, but I asked her to stop by your blog.
The only difference with my mother was that after her stroke she realized she had to have help. And we had lived together almost my whole life so naturally I was the one who took care of everything.
I wish you all the best with this problem and I plan to follow the saga!
Wow, thanks for the link. The reason I decided to blog about this is because I am looking for support and information. Family is great, but we’re all emotionally invested and subjective. I will definitely stop by her blog.
While I’m sure you had a tough road taking care of your mother, her recognition that she needed help probably made things a bit easier overall. But in any case, these situations are dreadful, no matter how stubborn or not they are.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Obviously, I’m not a doctor. I only have a moment, so I haven’t read the above comments, so forgive me if this has been said (please).
Did they identify the problem with her breathing? If it’s sleep apnea, which is more common than I care to admit, they can make a funky mask thing that will stop it (it does something involving air pressure). My dad (60-something) has sleep apnea. When he was diagnosed, his blood Ox was about 80 at night as well.
Also, you ARE waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry, but there’s a reason you feel that way.
I don’t know if she lives in a rural or well populated area, but perhaps there is a neighbor who could be enlisted to drop by and visit every day. A teen who needs volunteer hours might be a good candidate. This was done for my grandmother for awhile.
Good luck!
Hi Shannon,
She has fluid around her heart, CHF, and Afib, all of which are possible contributers to the shortness of breath. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had sleep apnea. The other piece to this is that her O2 levels decrease during the daytime as well, when she’s sitting or when she’s walking. It’s basically a constant.
We have tried to get her to agree to having someone else other than family check on her, but she is adamant against having strangers come in. Friends can only do so much, so that would only be a short-term solution.
I love the brainstorming, Shannon. Thanks so much!
Sorry, but what’s CHF?
I was thinking that maybe she could make a “new” friend who could be hired to swing by for 10 or 15 minutes a day. Still, I know how stubborn people can be (trust me, I’m queen of stubborn).
The only other thought I had was maybe, if there are enough friends in the area, you could get one to take Mondays, another Tuesdays, etc. They could even call if they were sick or busy. Churches sometimes have services like this set up with volunteers.
If I have any other ideas, I’ll let you know.
CHF – Congestive Heart Failure.
I would love to lean on her friends more, and I probably will after the holidays. It’s too busy for everyone right now, I think.
I really like the idea of swapping days among friends. We shall see!
Oh dear…you do have your hands full!
Your entertaining Thanksgiving saga is a welcome distraction for me during this difficult week as our nation struggles.
Hey Denise, this is a difficult week indeed. The stories coming out of that tragedy are incredibly painful, aren’t they? I get chills just thinking about all of it.
Both my husband’s family and mine are also facing elder care issues with ‘stubborn’ fathers who are in their 80s. We fear for their mental and physical health–my father-in-law for example has gotten addicted to entering fraudulent sweepstakes and has lost hundreds of dollars already. It’s a struggle to convince him that these are fraudulent, some are even illegal. It must be so hard for our elder parents to face the incremental losses that come one after the other each year. My mother-in-law used to say that after you reach 50 years of age, “It’s patch, patch, patch.” I strive for compassion and allowing our dads as much control over their lives as possible while trying to set up safety nets. Still can’t help but worry about them. You are not alone.
Hi Jagoda, gosh, your poor father-in-law. What an awful thing to have to watch him go through. And how he must feel! You’re right, we strive for compassion but it’s increasingly difficult.
Thanks for your support. This is why I decided to blog about this. I have family, but they are as burned out as I am. It’s good to hear from my blogging pals.
lovely blog. SOmeone pointed me your way:)
Hi Sandra,
So sorry for the delay in replying to you. Your comment was spammed, and I just rescued it.
Thanks so much for stopping by and reading. Have a lovely day.
Your mum definitely sounds like a character – times like this can be exhausting so you have to make sure that you take care of yourself. My mum who will be 80 in March lives with me and when she has made up her mind about something, she won’t always listen to reason so I know what you are going through – hugs and support are sent through the airwaves. Keep writing it does help.
Hey loony, we love ‘em and that’s what makes it so hard. We hate to see them hurting themselves, but we know it’s pointless to interfere sometimes. They will do what they want to do.
Yes, writing about it has helped because all of you have been really supportive and encouraging. Thank you!
Yes, you have the right attitude – I think it will take your mum time to get over the shock of what happened to her. With Christmas just around the corner, it might take her mind off it a bit.
Right. Maybe Santa will bring her a designer cylinder of oxygen!
Oh my god! Your mother is my mother! She also checked herself out of hospital after completely alienating the staff. I couldn’t believe how many similarities there are – starting with being 83 years old and having six children and just getting more similar as the story went on!
From my experience, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help her. You just need to let her go her own way and be there to catch her when she falters.
Best of luck, my darling!
Hi Dianne, isn’t that strange!? Maybe our mothers are related somehow.
I am learning that baby steps are the best course of action and if I win just one battle a day, then it’s a good day. 
Thanks for swinging by!
NOTE TO SELF: Do not be difficult mother in advanced years. Do not cover ears when doctor speaks. Do not wake up in middle of procedures…
I’m glad she seems to be doing well and I will pray for you all!
Hi Jessie, haha! I’m glad you’re taking notes. Your children will love you for it.
Thanks for your kind prayers.
To be honest, in years past I have prayed that my son will have a child as difficult as he is. And if he isn’t blessed with challenging children, then I have vowed to make it up to him myself as an old lady. But maybe I should think this through…
Haha, there are times that I have said to my children that my revenge will be through their children, too.
Kate, I can fully appreciate the difficulty of the situation you are in with your mother. I’ve spent some time supporting a close family friend who has only one relative nearby, and who has been in and out of hospital, dealing with disability, and moving into a retirement village etc. It is not easy for anyone involved. I’m just grateful I haven’t yet had to address this with my own parents! Wish you all the strength and patience in supporting your Mum through this next stage.
Thanks, Alarna. This really is an eye-opening experience. In some ways I can really appreciate what it must be like to start to lose our independence, and how important it is to stay on top of our game.
Your friend is really, really lucky to have you. I can say that simply because for every small favor that comes my way I feel a bit of the burden lessening. I’m sure your friend couldn’t do it without you.
Wow, she’s a spitfire. Reminds me a lot of my Grandma H. Once she decides on something there is no swaying her. Even if it might not be the best decision for herself. I am glad you were able to get her to compromise on a couple things. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Hi Kourtney, I must say that I love it when I hear other people say they know someone like my mom. This really helps strengthen me and makes me feel less alone. I have lots of family, but we’re all in this together so it’s nice to another perspective. Thanks for swinging by.
I think she’s part of the old guard.
Like Grandma H. They grew up in another time and had to be stronger and more resilent than we dreamed. Grandma H grew up without indoor plumbing on a farm. It’s hard for me to imagine her childhood. But I get that it made her who she is now. 
Oh boy, no indoor plumbing. Yeah, that would certainly teach someone to be resilient!
Hang in there. It’s like a new mother/daughter relationship when the health thing begins.
Yes, you said it perfectly.
This is something I think about when it comes to aging–the difference between what the mind/heart wants versus the inability of the physical body to keep up. That photo of your mom at her graduation speaks volumes about her independence to me. I’ve known people who are on the other side of the spectrum–that want you to be there every second and take care of every need. Either way it’s like a new relationship–and so hard. Hugs Kate.
Hey COleen, I think knowing how she was at different stages of her life does help keep things in perspective. If I had the choice, I’d much rather deal with an independent woman than one who has given up. Thanks for the reminder.
Kate- It is hard when trying to transition an aging parent from fully independent to somewhat less so. It sounds like you are doing well. however, I would Add one recommendation which make take some time for her to agree to. Obtaining a Lifeline or something similar. It’s a button that she would wear or keep with her at all times. if she falls or has another episode. she can push the button and they will send help immediately. It took a year of convincing, but my father finally signed up for it. I’m still concerned, but at least it’s some help.
Hi Dennis, yes we have looked into Lifeline. There are quite a few variations out there. She seems amenable to wearing one, so once we can get a recommendation as to the best ‘local’ version, we’ll be signing her right up!
This is such a difficult situation, K, you’re in my thoughts, I’ve been through it. We had to admit my dad into a facility when his Alzheimers became unmanageable for my mom … it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. He was a writer and loved to read. Physically he was in great shape, but his brain was mush. It was tragic. A few years after that my mom passed away suddenly (after heart surgery). The stress of caring for Dad wore her down more than we knew. But she always said she never wanted to go into a nursing home, so at least we were spared that decision. She died with her boots on, as they say.
Hi Nancy, situations like this are extremely wearing on the caregivers. Right now it’s just me and my sister sharing the caregiving. All of my brothers and their families live too far away to visit more often. I’m hoping that with some time she will either agree to hiring a nurse for the evenings, or that she’ll improve enough where we don’t need to be so watchful. We’ll see.
I sympathize with both of you. I imagine myself a bit like your mom when I get older. Okay, maybe not quite so stubborn, but close. I didn’t mean to laugh, but I did when I read “she covered her ears with her hands, saying to the neurologist, “I have stopped listening, so stop talking.” And I love that photo of her. What life in it.
I’m glad you don’t have to go through this all alone.
Don’t apologize for laughing, Danika. A lot of what I have written was spun in some humor. I don’t think I could have gotten through it without the lighter side. Thanks for reading.
My own opinion is that the shoe will not drop; it will come flying.
Scott
Haha. I’ll be ready to duck, then.
Love this! Those photos are stories in themselves I never had the chance to care for my mother before she died, so take all the good that you can get out of this. You won’t regret it.
Thanks for the good reminder, Darla. I do need to keep that in mind. No matter how difficult this might be, I’m glad that I am around to help a little bit.
All you can do is support her and be there for her which you are doing, I’m sure she realises you’re only trying to care for her. I hope she follows your advice!
Thanks, Victoria. You’re right, all I can do is the best I can.
Oh, dear, Kate. I think we all have relatives like this, to one degree or another. You’re right–as our parents age, I think we appreciate our siblings even more, if only to have someone to complain with! I can’t imagine facing our aging parents without having my sister around.
I can’t wait to read more and find out if she’s been doing okay at home… while there’s not much we can do as kids when a parent makes certain decisions, it doesn’t lessen the worry. I hope you have a quiet, calm, happy holiday.
Hi Anne, sibliings and siblings-in-law — my sister-in-law is a godsend because she has a take-charge, no-nonsense personality. And she doesn’t care if my mother gets angry with her, where the rest of us run and hide!
Thanks for your kind wishes.
Sending you a little blog love for the holidays! http://cherylfassett.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/a-little-blog-love-just-when-i-really-needed-it/
Thanks, Cheryl!
It sounds like it’s definitely been a turbulent and stressful time for you, Kate, and I also see you approaching it with a sense of humor and an honesty that seems to come very easily, almost nonchalantly, that for others might be more difficult.
Hi Chris,
That’s a good way to describe it: turbulent. The sense of humor is coming from a place of fear, I’m sure. But I can’t imagine handling it any other way. I’d make myself batty. Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words.
Oh, Kate, you have your hands full. I lost both parents very young, but I have a dear aging mother-in-law who is in fierce denial. I kind of look at taking care of aging parents in the same light as I did with my babies. It is a relatively short time in our lives that extra assistance is required, but a hugely important one in their lives. You are a good daughter. Someday you will have all the material you need to write a novel, with a couple of great characters in it.
Hi Naomi,
Yes, taking care of the elderly is very similar to taking care of babies. The work is constant, exhausting, stressful, but rewarding when it goes smoothly.
Ah, a novel. Now that’s an intriguing idea. I should mention that to my mother. I’m sure she’ll give me all the directions I need.
oh wow that’s intense; hope you all are coping well and that she’s recovering nicely; sounds like she’s got a fighting spirit (my mom did too)
Thanks, Kim. It’s still an ongoing situation, but I’m hoping we’ll sort out the kinks before long. I appreciate your kind words, thanks for stopping by.
You’ve certainly had a testing few weeks. It does sound like you have a good family network around to battle through these testing times. I hope everything has settled down a little over the holidays. Take care.
Hey Pete,
Family is great for support, but I think we’re all a bit burned out at the moment. Still working out some of the more complicated issues, but things are looking hopeful!
We kept my grandfather at home until it just became physically too hard to care for him and thankfully his mind was completely gone by that point. My mother was an angel in the face of his constant confusion, repetition, illnesses and stubbornness!
I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to give up such important things like driving, cooking and my own checkbook, but I remember taking these things away from my grandfather when it became dangerous.
How very blessed you are to have so many siblings nearby who are willing to help. My prayers to you, your mom and your family!
I know a lot of fiercely independent women. My great-grandmother (93) is one of them. She would behave just as you described your mother’s behaviour. She was ill the other day and tried to convince me not to come and stay with her. I wasn’t having it and told her I wanted to do laundry anyway. Haha.
Sometimes we have to humour them a little. Find the middle ground. These women are used to doing things in their own ways, and are often not prepared for sudden changes due to unexpected health issues. Remember to be sensitive to that.
Thanks, yes, it is difficult to help someone who is fiesty and independent. The safety issues are enough to get my anxiety levels to an all-time high and I don’t respond as diplomatically as I should. I do a lot of counting and breathing, counting and breathing.
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